Day 1, 190109

disclaimer: might be too emo and mushy for general consumption.

1305h

On the way to school. Eyes are puffy from crying yesterday afternoon and before falling asleep. Some fat bird told me things about having one's TSO leave for SEP:

1. It will make or break the relationship.
2. The first ten days will be hell.

I don't remember if there's anything else to glean from last night's online conversation, but i figured these will probably be the essential points to keep in mind.

There really isn't anything to disagree on in those two points, even if you did try to deconstruct them, peel the layers of fat and muscle away to reveal the bones. All that would've been accomplished was to prove the resilience of their truth. I'm not worried. Not at all. He and I can master the currents that pull and keep us apart, predict the storms that come our way. After all, what have the past 2.5 years been built upon? And as for the first ten days being hell, i suppose i'll be fine as long as i surround myself with company in my waking hours and keep myself occupied. It is a known fact that the demons only come out at night. I think I'll hold out just fine. In fact, there are so many things I have on my to-do list that i doubt i could squeeze in time for more crying and moping. But then again, my emotions are sentient beings beyond my brain's control and I am firmly enslaved by them. Who knows when I will next morph into a puddle of hot, salty tears from the throbbing ache?

I hope that i'm not exploiting this opportunity to be melodramatic, overly emotional and altogether seem as if i were begging for sympathy, cos i'm not. It is a fine line between that and the genuine pining that i am feeling and ought to feel. I have to bear in mind that both of us have to be strong during these trying times, to look forward instead of dwelling on the fact that he's not here to give me the support i've grown to be so reliant upon, not here to crack his lame jokes just to make me laugh, not here to purr in satisfaction when i stroke the back of his ear, not here to catch movies in the cinema or in the comfort of his room, not here to cook aglio together, or apply heat to a random assortment of ingredients, not here to tuck me into bed...

2100h

I'm sitting at the bus stop outside Joanne's place. The demons beckon, they're getting closer with every stroke of my pen. It's a cool night, unusual considering the warm monsoon we've been having. I wonder how he is... GMT+1, that's seven hours behind Singapore; it'll be another four hourse or so before he lands in cold, cold Sverige. Another five to seven hours before he calls to tell me he's safe and how friggin' cold Stockholm is. I'm envious, sad and happy for him all at once. I wish i had taken the chance. Even Australia would've been nice. New Zealand would've rocked of course. But this is not my story to tell.

Hey dear,

It must be really cold there! Does your breath fog up in front of you? Enjoy everything and every second of it ok? Even more so cos I'm here thinking of you. <3

Maybe i'll have more to say later besides 'i miss you' and 'i love you', so I'll just leave it at that for now.

Yours always,
Val

P.S. Keep making memories cos you're gonna weave them into exciting stories to share with me when you get back.