Day 2, 200109

2145h

I'm gonna be honest, I cried again last night. I kept myself up all the way till 2am just to procrastinate going to bed, to avoid meeting the demons I managed to keep at bay; yet it was to no avail. As i kissed our love tokens goodnight, they became indistinct silhouettes against the dim light of the table lamp. My heart, against my better judgement, was heeding the advice of that fat bird, to cry if it made me feel better. Anyone who has pined for anyone would understand that the more one thinks about their loved one separated from themselves, the harder it is to come to terms with it. But then again, the fat bird only gave it ten days. We shall see.

Having had to battle peak hour crowds did not permit the luxury of penning my thoughts so i just stood and stared blankly into space. Occasionally, my mind wandered off to Ferdi's side. This made my body jealous, being physically unable to join him in Sweden. So i had to will my mind back to Singapore, where my body was trapped riding the northeast line with a bunch of zombified commuters living out their mundane existence. I was no different from them, really. His absence has sucked all the meaning and joy from the things i do, leaving the past two days a wretched vacuum. All i want to do is stay locked in a neverending embrace with him. Given current circumstances, I'd make do with just sitting in front of my computer waiting for a message from him.

You know, through all the mucus and tears last night, i found comfort in the Q&A game he and i have been playing every year at the fireworks festival. It's like knowing each other all over again, familiar and heartwarming, yet entirely refreshing at the same time. Most conversations between people go unrecorded, and even if they were recorded, they go unrevised. Even though it was a game, the words on the paper, some smudged by rain drops, hold so much meaning and memories of our time together.

Q: What do you like to think about?
A: Sometimes at night or before i go out, i think about the things i can do with you the next day, things that'll touch you, to make you smile.

Just reading through them brought me the comfort I needed for banishing the despair i felt when i realised that i hadn't a single picture of us in my phone and how i didn't bother to take one. Certainy, our love is made of much sterner stuff than intangible digital images on an electronic device, and far more real than what our eyes perceive.

There is a glimmer of hope, a possibility that i could banish the demons tonight.

Give me just one message before i turn in. I'll make it work, i promise.