Chinese New Year!!!

hullo! guess most ppl are out visiting right now, i'm waiting to go over to my ah ma's house too. that's where everyone goes, and that's also where all the fun is. can't believe one of my granduncles came so early this morning that daryl and i hadn't time to get out of bed and wash up! it's an invasion of privacy i tell u! but a happy one lah :P

ang baos of the world unite, and please find ur way into my pockets! muahahaha. valerie out.

getting back in shape

val, you're doing good, give yourself a pat on the back! *pat pat*

haha, so thick-skinned right? but i really think i've been doing well in terms of making an effort to exercise and live life to the max. been hanging out with me unmarried 20+ yr old cousins and my lovely hons classmates! last saturday night was pool and pub with Ferdi, Adeline, Ray, Yuexin jie2, Jeryn jie2 + Ben aka future cousin-in-law. the pool part was good, but i realised that we're just not the type to hang out in pubs. this sunday's gonna be badminton, healthy stuff, ha.

oh and i'm sooo glad that the hons class has deemed wednesday as PE day! first one was badminton, sadly, i could only go for the last hr of it. this week's was frisbee and some random activities cos Our Melody was so late. here's a sample: skipping (so pri sch PE!), limbo rock (?!), and extended shuttle run!

and today, i followed the timetable i set out for myself and ran for 4km around hougang happy house, then came back and "worked out" at the fitness corner. so proud of myself for managing to keep that self-discipline k! too bad that doesn't apply to my studies... =( oh well, shall try to be more disciplined for that too, it's the final sem le!

Day 2, 200109

2145h

I'm gonna be honest, I cried again last night. I kept myself up all the way till 2am just to procrastinate going to bed, to avoid meeting the demons I managed to keep at bay; yet it was to no avail. As i kissed our love tokens goodnight, they became indistinct silhouettes against the dim light of the table lamp. My heart, against my better judgement, was heeding the advice of that fat bird, to cry if it made me feel better. Anyone who has pined for anyone would understand that the more one thinks about their loved one separated from themselves, the harder it is to come to terms with it. But then again, the fat bird only gave it ten days. We shall see.

Having had to battle peak hour crowds did not permit the luxury of penning my thoughts so i just stood and stared blankly into space. Occasionally, my mind wandered off to Ferdi's side. This made my body jealous, being physically unable to join him in Sweden. So i had to will my mind back to Singapore, where my body was trapped riding the northeast line with a bunch of zombified commuters living out their mundane existence. I was no different from them, really. His absence has sucked all the meaning and joy from the things i do, leaving the past two days a wretched vacuum. All i want to do is stay locked in a neverending embrace with him. Given current circumstances, I'd make do with just sitting in front of my computer waiting for a message from him.

You know, through all the mucus and tears last night, i found comfort in the Q&A game he and i have been playing every year at the fireworks festival. It's like knowing each other all over again, familiar and heartwarming, yet entirely refreshing at the same time. Most conversations between people go unrecorded, and even if they were recorded, they go unrevised. Even though it was a game, the words on the paper, some smudged by rain drops, hold so much meaning and memories of our time together.

Q: What do you like to think about?
A: Sometimes at night or before i go out, i think about the things i can do with you the next day, things that'll touch you, to make you smile.

Just reading through them brought me the comfort I needed for banishing the despair i felt when i realised that i hadn't a single picture of us in my phone and how i didn't bother to take one. Certainy, our love is made of much sterner stuff than intangible digital images on an electronic device, and far more real than what our eyes perceive.

There is a glimmer of hope, a possibility that i could banish the demons tonight.

Give me just one message before i turn in. I'll make it work, i promise.

Day 1, 190109

disclaimer: might be too emo and mushy for general consumption.

1305h

On the way to school. Eyes are puffy from crying yesterday afternoon and before falling asleep. Some fat bird told me things about having one's TSO leave for SEP:

1. It will make or break the relationship.
2. The first ten days will be hell.

I don't remember if there's anything else to glean from last night's online conversation, but i figured these will probably be the essential points to keep in mind.

There really isn't anything to disagree on in those two points, even if you did try to deconstruct them, peel the layers of fat and muscle away to reveal the bones. All that would've been accomplished was to prove the resilience of their truth. I'm not worried. Not at all. He and I can master the currents that pull and keep us apart, predict the storms that come our way. After all, what have the past 2.5 years been built upon? And as for the first ten days being hell, i suppose i'll be fine as long as i surround myself with company in my waking hours and keep myself occupied. It is a known fact that the demons only come out at night. I think I'll hold out just fine. In fact, there are so many things I have on my to-do list that i doubt i could squeeze in time for more crying and moping. But then again, my emotions are sentient beings beyond my brain's control and I am firmly enslaved by them. Who knows when I will next morph into a puddle of hot, salty tears from the throbbing ache?

I hope that i'm not exploiting this opportunity to be melodramatic, overly emotional and altogether seem as if i were begging for sympathy, cos i'm not. It is a fine line between that and the genuine pining that i am feeling and ought to feel. I have to bear in mind that both of us have to be strong during these trying times, to look forward instead of dwelling on the fact that he's not here to give me the support i've grown to be so reliant upon, not here to crack his lame jokes just to make me laugh, not here to purr in satisfaction when i stroke the back of his ear, not here to catch movies in the cinema or in the comfort of his room, not here to cook aglio together, or apply heat to a random assortment of ingredients, not here to tuck me into bed...

2100h

I'm sitting at the bus stop outside Joanne's place. The demons beckon, they're getting closer with every stroke of my pen. It's a cool night, unusual considering the warm monsoon we've been having. I wonder how he is... GMT+1, that's seven hours behind Singapore; it'll be another four hourse or so before he lands in cold, cold Sverige. Another five to seven hours before he calls to tell me he's safe and how friggin' cold Stockholm is. I'm envious, sad and happy for him all at once. I wish i had taken the chance. Even Australia would've been nice. New Zealand would've rocked of course. But this is not my story to tell.

Hey dear,

It must be really cold there! Does your breath fog up in front of you? Enjoy everything and every second of it ok? Even more so cos I'm here thinking of you. <3

Maybe i'll have more to say later besides 'i miss you' and 'i love you', so I'll just leave it at that for now.

Yours always,
Val

P.S. Keep making memories cos you're gonna weave them into exciting stories to share with me when you get back.